*I am not a licensed therapist, or a doctor. Everything written is a summary of what I learned. The opinions on this blog are solely my own and do not represent my employer or my therapist.*
Entering my 7thmonth in therapy, my sessions have changed. We have moved from working on external issues, like work and family, and moved to working on the way I am internally. At the end of a recent session, my therapist had a light bulb moment and explained to me that I have black and white thinking. I was super unaware of this, although, when I told my boyfriend he exclaimed, “NO SHIT!” It is interesting to me how I could be so unaware of this, while the person I am closest with, has known for years.
When my therapist was explaining black and white thinking to me, I couldn’t help but feel insecure. Admitting flaws is not something most of us like to do. However, my insecurities quickly went away when my therapist showed me pages and pages of worksheets and ways to work on this. I looked at her and said, “Wow, so I am not the only one who does this, huh?” It calmed me to see that this issue had many solutions available, but also helped me realize I am not alone.
One of the worksheets I received defined black and white thinking like this:
Thinking in black and white is characterized by extremes in which we take on either one position or the opposite, bounce back and forth between them. It is either – or, all or nothing.”
“All or nothing” is completely me in so many different ways. I will have one day where I clean the house all day, work out, walk the dogs, train the dogs, paint, read, etc. Then the next day I stay all day on the couch in my pjs. It is also how I view a lot of my relationships. If I meet someone and have one fight or negative experience with them, that’s it for me. They are a bad person, and I don’t need them in my life. Another example, is when I am dieting. When I am “eating healthy” I count every single calorie that goes in my body. I weigh all of my food and exercise daily. On the opposite side, if I go out to lunch with a friend and drink a beer and eat cheese fries, I think to myself, “Well, I ate an unhealthy lunch, so fuck it! I’m gonna order pizza for dinner.”
Here are some other examples from the paperwork I received:
- You either intensely love or hate your partner, friend, coworker.
- You do not start a task unless you think you can do it all at once.
- You separate viewpoints into right and wrong categories.
- You think you or someone else is all bad or all good.
- You approach others in an overly strict or overly lenient manner.
My homework for the week was to try to “Walk the middle path.” Here are the categories I focused on to try and stay in the middle path:
I realized that I struggle the most with “doing mind” vs. “nothing to do mind” and “self-denial” and “self indulgence.”
One of the main things I did during this week was create a weekly “to-do” list. Instead of spending the entire day cleaning, I broke up my chores across the week. I had 3-4 chores on each day and once I completed those tasks, I could relax the rest of the day. This helped me find the balance between “doing mind” and “nothing to do mind.” There were many days where at night, I felt so lazy and worthless. But when I looked at my list, I could reassure myself, that I did enough that day, and it was okay for me to relax on the couch.
I also worked on my “self- denial” and “self- indulgence” by changing the way I deal with my relationship with food. I focused on having breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I did not count one calorie or weigh or measure anything out. This was the first week in a long time, where I did not binge eat. I did not restrict myself, and ate what I wanted as long as it was when I was truly hungry. I am hoping to continue this, to repair my relationship with food.
When I told my therapist about my attempt to “walk the middle path,” she was so proud of me. She thought these were all great ideas, and that I did an awesome job. But, she noticed that I didn’t seem happy or proud about it. Even though I made this progress, I just didn’t feel great. I thought that I would feel accomplished and be “happier.” She explained to me, it is because I am trying to make a big change in how I have been living, basically, my whole life. I don’t like walking the middle path. When I go to the extremes, I like the outcomes. When I clean all day, the house looks great. When I train the dogs 2 hours a day, everyday, I notice a difference in their behavior. When I restrict my food, and count every calorie, I lose weight faster, and like how I look. Even though I like the result of these extremes, they are not sustainable or a reasonable way to live. I am going to continue tracking how balanced I am and hope to make it a habit I can continue throughout my whole life.
I hope this post may help those who may also have black and white thinking. Along with that, I want you to realize that every problem that you may be going through has information to help you through it. You are not alone in any struggle you may have. Also, you are not “wrong” or “bad” by having these types of thought processes. Focusing on changing these behaviors is just a way to help you live a more balanced life.
A lot of this information came from: DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Lineham.
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